Raise my Baby
by VanillaMostly
Summary: /sasusaku/ Day 3: So they think me and Sasuke are trying to have real babies in the girl's bathroom. My. Life. Is. Over. HIATUS
1. Day 1

_In this activity you and your partner should..._

_Try to make the simulation as realistic as possible._

_Example: What should you do with a crying baby? Perhaps 5 minutes of walking, talking,_

_singing might help!_

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Raise my Baby

Day 1: Elvis at the Mickey D's

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"Ok, ready? Now, one, two, three."

"..."

"Sasuke! Did you not hear me when I said _three_? Did you forget the lyrics? It starts out with _Baby your love..._"

"Haruno. I'm not singing Elvis to a flour sack."

Sakura gasped and held the baby - or bag of grocery, however you want to look at it - close to her chest. "It's ok, sweetie," she murmurred, "Daddy didn't mean it like that."

Sasuke rolled his eyes and went back to scrolling through his iPod. Annoyed, Sakura reached over and yanked out his headphones.

"For your information, Uchiha," she said, returning his glare. "I want to get a good grade on this project and you're my partner. We're SUPPOSED to work together."

"Project?" snorted Sasuke, plugging back his headphones. "It's a friggin' joke. Pretending that a bag of flour is a baby? Yeah, only you could take it seriously."

"What do you mean, _only_ me? It's parenthood preparation! It's important to know for the future... you know... when you have a baby!"

"Then I'm not going to have one. It's a pain in the ass."

Sakura scoffed. "Yeah, uh-huh. Like the guy ever has to do anything. They just contribute with some sperm and then it's like, oh ok! I guess I'll go to a strip bar now and leave my wife at home to breastfeed my spawn!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"I knew it," muttered Sakura angrily as she leaned back and looked wistfully out the sunny window. "I knew I should have tried harder to get Kurenai to let me switch partners. Maybe I should've gone on a hunger strike. Or, held a knife to my throat or something. Anything so I wouldn't have to work with this major douche."

"I can hear you," said Sasuke, narrowing his eyes.

"That's the _point_, dimwad!"

Sasuke shook his head and stood up.

"Wait! Where are you going? We're not done."

"It's 9:30 on a Saturday morning and I'm not spending it at McDonald's with a crazy person and a flour sack."

"Oh, come on. We had to come here for the Happy Meal, duh. Every little kid has to have one of those little toys. I mean, did you think we should've gone to Taco Bell instead? Sasuke! Come back here!"

Cursing, Sakura grabbed the "baby" and ran outside after him. "You don't even have a ride! I was the one who dragged you from your apartment and took you here, remember?"

"Vividly," said Sasuke. He got out his cell. "I'll just text Suigetsu or Karin and get them to pick me up. You can leave now, _Haruno_."

She pointed a shaking finger at him. "You! Who's Karin? You've been cheating on me, haven't you!"

Sasuke pressed a hand to his (throbbing) temples. "She's my bandmate. Not that it's any of your business."

"Of course it's my business, I'm your freaking wife!" Sakura paused. "Whoa. You're in a band?" She stepped back slightly, suddenly seeing Sasuke in a new light. "Man! That's really cool! Do you play the guitar? Or - oh my God - the _drums_?"

Sasuke decided to walk away. Except that wasn't very effective since she just followed him.

"What's your band's name? Do you guys have a record deal yet? What kinds of songs do you do, hard metal? Rap?"

"You. Are. _Really_. Annoying."

"Well, you aren't very pleasant to be around either! Anyway, are you going to band practice right now? Can I come? Please?"

"No."

"UGH! YOU ARE A JERK, YOU KNOW THAT? I'M SUING FOR DIVORCE!"

"Thank God."

Sakura threw her shoe at him as hard as she could.

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Flour Baby Journal:

I HATE THAT BASTARD UCHIHA. I WISH A DINOSAUR WOULD DROP FROM THE SKY AND CRUSH HIM LIKE THAT WITCH LADY GOT CRUSHED BY THE FALLING HOUSE IN THE WIZARD OF OZ.

Today we went to McDonald's with the baby. She had a lot of fun!

(I do not know how Sasuke got that pink lump on his head. Maybe he got run over by a bus while I was busy tending to our baby like the responsible mother I am.)

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A/N: so, should I continue this? (well, since I already wrote "Day 1" i've kinda already made the decision to TRY to continue it at least). Reason this came out was because my alarm clock has a radio alarm thingy and when I woke up on Sat., the first music I heard was Elvis's _Your Love's Been a Long time coming _for... like, no reason. I like it though, nice beat.


	2. Day 2

_In this activity you and your partner should..._

_Never leave the baby alone!_

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Raise my Baby

Day 2: Quiet Time at the Church

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"Why am I here?"

"Because you had nothing better to do."

He glared.

"What? Would you call lying on your bed staring at a crack in the ceiling 'better'? Seriously. You should be thanking me."

"I was _sleeping_."

"With your eyes open? Ew."

Suddenly, a loud tapping sound on the podium interrupted them.

"Excuse me, the couple in the back with the flour sack... Please quiet down."

Sakura solemnly made the cross. "Sorry, Father."

Besides her, Sasuke snickered. "We're in a Protestant church, moron."

Ah, so THAT was why everyone had turned to shoot looks at her. Sakura thought fast. "Uh - Jesus loves you!"

After a brief awkward silence, the preacher shrugged his shoulders and turned to face the choir. Everyone else stood up.

Sakura looked confused. "Is it over already?" she whispered to Sasuke, who just sighed.

_To God be the glory great things He hath done! _

_So loved He the world that He gave us His Son, _

_Who yielded His life an atonement for sin _

_And opened the Life-gate that all may go in... _

"O... life... love... beauty..." sang Sakura.

"Shut up, you're hurting my ears," muttered Sasuke.

Sakura scowled. "How come you're not singing, Mr. Musical-Prodigy?"

"..."

"Ha! Can't sing, huh? Not so great are you, now?"

Sasuke looked at her. Then he stood up.

"Hey, we can't leave in the mid..."

_Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, _

_Let the earth hear His voice! _

_Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, _

_Let the people rejoice! _

_O come to the Father through Jesus the Son, _

_And give Him the glory great things He hath done. _

Sasuke sat down as the music drew to a finish. Everyone around them started to clap, and a few were wiping their tears after having heard his beautiful voice.

Sakura's jaw was hanging open.

"Y-you---"

Sasuke smirked. "I was in the church choir for four years, idiot."

Sakura clapped a hand over her mouth. And began to tremble.

It wasn't long before Sasuke realized she was laughing.

"H-hey," he hissed, glancing around him furtively. Everyone around them was reading a psalm now and blissfully unaware of their squabbling. "If you say _one word_ to the people at school that I..."

"What? That you're, like, this totally goody-goody Sunday church boy or that you have the voice of Jean-Baptiste Maunier?"

"...Jean-Baptiste what?"

"Ohmygod, he is _gorgeous_. My French class watched this movie last week and I practically _fainted_ when... EAAAERGHAAH!"

Her scream echoed off the walls of the church.

"MY BABY!!! WHERE'S MY BABY? IT'S GONE!! SWEET SMOKING JESUS CHRIST, WE ARE IN SOME DEEP SHIT!"

Sasuke buried his face in his hands.

"Haruno... you're sitting on it."

Sakura looked down. Her mouth formed a round _O_.

"Crap."

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Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura were the first people in the history of Konoha Baptist Church to be kicked out and prohibited from being near it within a thirty-meter radius.

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Flour Baby Journal:

Today, we went to a church service. The baby enjoyed the hymns, especially SOMEONE's soulful, angelic (coughwomanlycough) voice. And she is _**PERFECTLY**_ fine. Nothing's wrong with her.

(Except maybe she lost a little flour - I mean, weight. WHICH IS GOOD FOR HER.)

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A/N: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO, OR LES CHORISTES, OR ANY CHURCH HYMNS. Very TRAGICALLY, I do not own Jean-Baptiste Maunier either.

Please, look him up. He's soooo pretty!! *swoons*

I know this was short, not to mention very stereotypical (I didn't want to write about Sunday in the first place, but since the first chap was explicity stated to be a Saturday I kind of wrote myself into a corner). I couldn't think of anything else when it came to SUNDAY except the CHURCH (yes, I am just so lame like that).

Anyway, have faith in me? The next chap is a MONDAY, so they'll be back at school and hopefully things will get more interesting. *rolls eyes*

And oh yeah, I hope my portrayal of the church didn't come off as offensive or something. I've been to a couple church services myself so if I'm making fun of anything, I'm making fun of myself.


	3. Day 3

**lol, this is another one of those chapters where things just kind of take a course on its own.**

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_Do not verbally abuse your baby._

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Raise my Baby

Day 3: Inappriopriate Bathrooms

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"This is all your fault."

Sakura scoffed. "Let's not pass the blame around, ok? That's not a very mature thing to do."

Sasuke glared. "But it _is_ your fault."

"Oh my God! I get the point already! Why can't you stop with the unrighteous accusation that --- "

Sakura sighed and leaned her forehead against the door. "Ok, fine. It is my fault."

She raised her head and tried not to cry.

"But the problem is, how do we get out??" She looked at Sasuke, who remained (angrily) silent. "Of, you know, the girl's bathroom," she clarified.

"I think I know where we are," scowled Sasuke, eyeing the tampon vending machine next to him.

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10 minutes earlier...

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Sakura hummed lightly to herself as she walked to her next class. Holding her precious "baby" in her arms, of course (she had taped the flour sack and added a smiley face... Kurenai had no idea anything was wrong with it).

She coincidentally spotted Sasuke standing not far away. The two of them had no class together except for Kurenai's Health class, so needless to say, they didn't hang out together at school. Sasuke was always alone with his earphones on and a dark, angsty expression on his face. Sakura was always alone too, in her own little world, reading a book or pestering some teachers.

They were both sort of loners. The only difference was that the other kids didn't like Sakura, while Sasuke didn't like any of the other kids.

Sakura got it into her head that after spending an eventful weekend with him, and after getting to know Sasuke (for example, she now knew that he was in a band and could totally sing on Broadway), they were now friends.

"Heeeey, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cheerfully loped over to him "It's actually great timing that you're here. See, you can take over the baby for the rest of the day! So, just remember that when you're holding her, don't grip too hard or else the bottom will rip again and the flour will spill out."

She held out the baby and waited for Sasuke to open his arms and warmly accept their "child."

He didn't.

"Well?" asked Sakura impatiently. "I don't have all day, I'm going to be late for Calc if you don't hurry up."

Sasuke ignored her and turned to go. Sakura hurriedly ran after him, yanking at his shirt and trying to get him to stop, all the while informing him he was being a really irresponsible father.

"... and Asuma's just so sexist! He told me I wasn't fast enough to run in the boys' relay, so he picked Shikamaru instead of me even though that boy is just the _slowest_ thing alive on this planet..."

Sakura gasped when she heard the voice coming from around the corner. In one motion she grabbed Sasuke by the elbow, kicked open the door to her left, and threw both of them headfirst into the room.

Sasuke was all like, "WTF?"

Sakura explained. Apparently she had a terribly embarrassing incident - "God, I _so_ do not want to get into details" - involving Ino and mango-flavored ice cream in sixth grade. Ino, who used play Barbies with her - "I think I still have her Ken doll" - hates her now, and it was way too awkward to even look at her in the face. So no matter what, they had to stay here and wait until Ino was gone to ---

"I don't care," said Sasuke loudly in order to cut Sakura off. "And now - " he brushed himself off with a resentful glare sent in Sakura's direction - "I'm going to _leave_."

He wrenched the knob.

A horrified expression grew on his face.

Sakura, who was checking the flour sack for any leaks, pushed past Sasuke in annoynace. The bell was going to ring any minute, if it didn't do so already, and Sasuke was taking a little too long opening a stupid door in her opinion!!

She turned the knob. And pulled.

It was then that she notcied a little piece of white paper lying on the floor with the words "DO NOT USE THIS RESTROOM - DOOR JAMS."

And that was how Sakura and Sasuke got locked in a girl's bathroom.

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It has now been 10 minutes and no one has heard their banging, shouting, and screaming. Either no one was around or passing students figured they were having loud, kinky sex and did not want to disturb. Anyway, the room (it was a pretty small bathroom) was starting to feel claustrophobic and tempers were running high.

"Oh no, I'm supposed to be taking my Calc test!" moaned Sakura.

Sasuke made a "Hmph" sound.

"Hey!" cried Sakura indignantly. "Why can't you be a little more sympathetic?"

Sasuke took a deep breath. "Maybe," he said heatedly. "It's because I wouldn't be here if _you_ didn't drag me and _throw_ me in here."

"Yeah, well, who was so weak he couldn't NOT let me drag him and throw him in here?"

Sasuke looked at her like, _That sentence did not even make sense_.

"Oh, shut up, you're just being a girl," said Sakura. "A whiny girl," she added. "A whiny, annoying, wussy girl."

Sasuke stepped closer to her menacingly.

"What, are you going to hit me?" asked Sakura, thrusting her chin. "Are you? Because let me tell you something, I have been doing all the work and making all the effort in this project and you have not contributed _at all_. What have you done for the baby? Nothing! I had to FORCE you to participate on Saturday and Sunday! And today, if you had just agreed to take the baby, this wouldn't have happened, would it!"

"I don't give a shit!" snapped Sasuke.

"You're not the one who had to lug around that goddamn-50-pound pain-in-the-ass thing all morning!" screamed Sakura.

Immediately Sakura clapped her mouth. "I did not," she whispered. "I did not mean that."

Sasuke smirked. "You did."

"I did not!"

As Sakura proceeded to hit Sasuke with the bag of flour (not a recommended parenting behavior), her eyes caught something shiny behind one of the stall doors.

"Look, Uchiha, look! We're saved! It's a window!"

The "shiny" thing was glass. And lucky for them it was a glass window that could be opened without you having to break the glass with a piece of brick or with your fist.

"I'm not going to crawl out of that," frowned Sasuke.

"Well, clearly not since it's not big enough for you, genius," said Sakura.

Sasuke didn't say anything but you could tell he was sulking at being caught saying something foolish.

"Ok, give me a boost," ordered Sakura.

"No," replied Sasuke.

"Come on! Do you want to get out of here or not?"

Reluctantly, Sasuke squatted down and let Sakura place her feet on his shoulders.

But since Sakura lacked balance and coordination skills, she ended up slipping on the first attempt and caused Sasuke to topple over and when the restroom door opened to reveal Principal Tsunade and Naruto (the school's biggest blabbermouth), Sakura and Sasuke were lying in an awkward position in which Sakura's lips were on Sasuke's cheek and Sasuke's hand was on Sakura's boobs.

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Flour Baby Journal:

So they think me and Sasuke are trying to have real babies in the girl's bathroom. My. Life. Is. Over.

It is all Sasuke's fault.

And I have detention.

I hate babies.


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